I Should Get My Life Together::Still Shaking Anxiety

Anxiety seems to be the theme of my posts as of late. It seems so silly, since a freshly engaged woman should be floating up with the clouds. And I am! It just seems like there are events in my life trying to ruin my good mood.

Right now, the wedding is weighing heavy on my mind. I also feel super squeamish and nervous about my pending wisdom tooth surgery which is 1 week from today! And this whole thing with North Korea is about ready to send me running for the hills.

I am now desperately trying to combat this constant urge to fight or flight. I’m keeping in mind all the breathing techniques I’ve learned in yoga, but it’s hard to keep a focus on my breath when the phone keeps ringing.

Right now, I feel like I’ve been sitting under a hot sun. I feel dehydrated, a little sweaty, and a touch cloudy in the mind. My eyes are heavy and my limbs feel weak. My emotions are all over the place. I’ll be able to perk myself up and probably find a simple joke way too funny. Or I’ll sink back into a little rut of depression after reading Google news.

Time to take a few deep breaths… come on, you try!

Breath in *deep breath counting to 1…2…3…*

Breath out *release counting to 1…2…3…*



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Good News, Everyone!

If you read that as Farnsworth from Futurama, you earned $10…virtual bucks anyway 😛

Anyways, on to the good news:


James proposed to me in Disney World on January 19th!!!

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Something That Broke My Heart

This situation I’m about to describe is in regards to complete strangers to me. It occured outside my apartment building.  I was waiting in the entrance for Jimbo to come pick me up to run errands. While I was waiting, this really fancy-looking forgein car pulled up. The woman driving the car had platinum hair, big sunglasses, a fancy wool pea coat, and some luxurious knee-high healed boots.

A man comes through the entryway. He’s dressed in sweatpants, a well-loved t-shirt and a stocking cap. He is carrying the most adorable little girl I have ever seen. She was a cutie with blonde, curly hair, chubby little cheeks, and a big smile

He was meeting the woman who was driving the fancy car. The lady got out and quickly said hello to the little girl. Quite reluctantly, I saw the man pass her off. This lady never said much of anything to the man. She simply told her daughter (I assume) to say ‘Good Bye’ to him.

“Goodbye sweetheart!” the man kept saying. The little girl continued to wave and say ‘Bye Bye’ as her mother took her to the car.

The man walked back inside and fumbled in his pocket for his keys. The little girl was outside, still waving and saying good bye to this man.

“She’s precious,” I said with a smile.

The man looked at me, and I suddenly felt a touch of sorrow and sympathy. It’s hard to describe the look, but those who have seen someone holding back  some saddness should know what I’m talking about.

“Yeah she is,” he sighed before disappearing back into the building.

Okay, there are a lot of factors to consider. I am assuming a lot of things. I just assumed this was a father/mother situation where the daughter was subject to joint custody. Maybe they were just babysittting.

Well, I still felt the heartbreak in the situation, and I actually cried a little in that entryway. This man looked like he was just trying to keep it together, and this woman was barely giving him the time of day. And this poor little girl was stuck in the middle.

I’m not sure what their situation is and there could be a million factors that I am not incorporating, but I could only imagine that the poor guy was working hard to make ends meet. Having been through financial struggles, I feel like I can pick up those struggling vibes from other people. I didn’t get that sense from the big sunglasses woman. Sure, she loves the little girl, but what about this poor man? It was clear he loved this little girl too, so why couldn’t he get a little break?

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Shining a Light on Anxiety::Unnecessary Fight or Flight Response

My life is controlled by a silent demon. Yes, I will use the word ‘demon’ to emphasis the cruelty of this affliction. I could wake up in the jolliest of moods, and it will strike.

This morning, for no reason at all, I had another anxiety attack.

It feels like the world is going to end during an anxiety attack. When a situation triggers my anxiety, I will play out a made up scenario in my head based on that situation. The scenario is never good, and I treat it as if it will happen. For example:

“Oh, my gosh! I didn’t grab my cell phone before coming in to work. Something is going to happen to someone I love and I won’t hear about it until I go home and get my home.” *Proceed to panic the rest of the day or possibly cut work day short to get phone to end the anxious feeling*

Other times, it simply feels like the world should end because I don’t want to deal with whatever caused my attack. I will elaborate on this further when I discussed my anxiety triggers.

I also have a horrible time keeping my thoughts organized. I try like hell to keep calendars, journals, to-do lists, etc but they end up as a passing fancy. When anxiety hits, it’s like someone knocke a bowl glitter onto a carpeted floor. Those pieces of glitter are my thoughts, the carpet is my anxiety holding on to my ‘thoughts’, and I am left with the struggle of reassembling them into the ‘bowl’ aka my cluttered mind. No sense in writing down my thoughts, because it feels like there isn’t enough time. I start to write quickly before I forget everything and I start to panic.

There are a few things and situation that just naturally make me anxious. The smaller of these things was previously discussed in my blog post about my emetophobia. My fight or flight instinct overpowers me when I’m around someone who complains of a stomachache, someone who is drinking, or even when I’m in public and I see someone walk into the restroom. For a while, mostly in high school, if I was in a public stall and someone came to occupy the one next to me, I would get a panicky feeling and the urge to hurry up and run out of there. I wouldn’t relax again until I heard that individual undo their pants and sit down.

Oh yes, I have walked into public rest rooms when people are getting sick. I did go to college, you know. In those situations, I ran out of the bathroom.

A huge trigger for me over all is anger. This can be exceedingly frustrating when you work in the customer service industry, which makes me wonder why I’ve been such a success in this field. I think there may be sound reasoning behind why anger does this to me, but I won’t go into that now.

If the anger is directed at me, I shut down completely. If someone is shouting or talking down to me, I cannot stick up for myself…at least right away. In the moment, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure and embarrassment. It feels like if I just agree with them, it’ll smooth things over and the anger will stop. I cannot look them in the eye, and there’s a pain in the pit of my stomach that slowly grows like an inflated beach ball. I cannot catch my breath, either.

If the anger is not directed at me, I still have a fight or flight reaction. If the anger is directed at another person, I think I feel empathy for that victim. That brings about the same reaction, and I have to run away from it.

When the attack is finally over, I am exhausted. My brain is fogged out and my eyes have a hard time focusing. I sometimes still feel that pain in the pit of my stomach. During my serious attacks, I have felt weak in my muscles too. All I ever want to do after an attack is lock myself in a dark bedroom with comfy pillows and hide under thick blankets.

Wow, it’s really strange seeing this all written out. I’ve never written out the details of everything that bothers me. Trust me, there’s more I could talk about. I’m going to leave the details of my personal anxiety battles at this.

Today at work, I set out to keep my life under control in hopes to avoid further anxiety. I made to do lists, kept my desk organized, and managed to stay focused all day. I may also start keeping a personal journal again to keep my thoughts together. Oh yes, and I have been keeping updated calendars of all events at work, at home, and on my phone.

I would really like to shine a light on this problem. It’s not just present in adults. I have seen it in elementary age kids,too. I would like to note that don’t really believe that we need to heavily medicate those who have this, but maybe we need to realize how common it is so the people who suffer don’t have to suffer in silence.

Do you suffer from anxiety? Or do any of these situations sounds familiar to you? Or do you have questions? Please feel free to begin a discussion in the comments below.

As always, I thank you for your time 🙂


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A Fresh Take on Religion

It wasn’t until 11th grade when I began to accept myself and all my weird attributes: my love of brightly colored clothes, constant optimistic attitude in the face of despair, and my constant need to be creative. Something I also realized was very much a part of me is my faith….

This is the point in the blog where I must state that I value the diversities of life and respect the viewpoints and religions of other people. Before stating that I am an overzealous Bible Humper about to convert you, I kindly ask you to shut the hell up and read my blog before you judge me. If you don’t have the open mind to pay attention for the next few paragraphs and intend on typing out hurtful comments without reflecting on my opinions, then you might as well click off this blog and go somewhere else.

Back to the topic at hand: my faith

I’ve fallen in and out of my faith over the last two years. In high school, mommy was the church secretary so church was kind of required every Sunday morning J. While attending college, I worked as a bible camp counselor in the summer time.

There were times were I completely turned my back on my faith, and definitely more than once. I will admit, it gets tough to believe that God exists when he continues to pile shit on your life. I am actually coming out of one of those times again. There are struggles in my personal life that have gone on for years, and I was starting to lose my strength to fight them. I had also prayed my ass off for them, and didn’t feel anything. I shut out my faith, and decided that I needed to do this on my own.

The last few weekends, James and I made the executive decision that we need to get more involved in a church community. We browsed around the churches in our community, and finally discovered one that seems to understand where we are coming from: we have abandoned our faith because we wanted to do things on our own, and we want to find our way back.

The sermon series at this church has been phenomenal. This week was one of my favorites because it revolved around our purpose and why we’ve been put on this Earth. Heavy stuff for a Sunday evening, I know!

Something I found completely amazing, and struck a chord inside of me, was the portion of the sermon that focused on how we must realize the world does not revolve around us. To put it in a Christian sense, the world does not revolve around us, it revolves around the Son.  I heard these words, and thought back to all those frustrating times I was out in public and people clearly thought the world was revolving around them.

There are the cell phone users who think it’s more important to check their Facebook than to go when the light turns green. I have seen so many people throw away gently used clothes rather than donate them to charities. There are so many examples I could give, but I don’t want to stray too far away from the point I am trying to make.

Through Christianity, there is a lesson to be learned about how we are not the complete boss of our life. God is the one who created the world, and He is the only one with complete control. Remove God from this teaching, and it’s the exact same message. The world and all of its happenings are out of our human control.

The forces (natural, spiritual, or however you view them) have been taking care of humans on this planet since life began. And yes, we can create our little inventions to make life easier and depend on them day in and day out, but they are not as nurturing as the beautiful bond of other people and nature.

I’ll be the first person to admit that the general public is filled with ass holes, but I wonder how many ass holes there would be if we would stop thinking the world revolved around them. There are so many different people out there in the world. How can one person think they are more important than the rest?

I will use this post to ask you kindly to take the opportunity to do one selfless act. Hold open doors, offer a seat to someone on the bus, donate your gently used clothes rather than throw them away, and just be aware of how many other people are out there around you. We are all brothers and sisters on this earth. Think about your own brothers or sisters: you don’t necessarily like them all the time, but you do always love them.

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The Top 12 Celebrities I Want To Meet

Greetings! Hope everyone had a safe and magical holiday season! We are on our way to my grandparent’s house today to celebrate with my family this weekend. I just wanted to post something to keep the creativity going.

THE TOP 12 Celebrities I Want To Meet

Grumpy Cat AKA Tardar Sauce

Jenna Marbles

Kermit and Mr. Marbles, Jenna Marbles’ pups!

Dan Aykroyd, because even in his old age he is HOT!


Joni, an extreme couponer who coupons for charitable reasons!! She is fantastic

Allison. She was on the show Intervention, and made an awesome recovery!

Wendy Russell, host of the show She’s Crafty.

Mickey Mouse

Snow White

Dave Ramsey

Sir Paul McCartney

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Painting Myself a New Color

Tonight, I was in need of a little inspiration. Through the help of Google, I searched the internet this evening: Inspire me, please.

I was led to a Pinterest Board of inspirational quotes. Here is the one that stood out the most to me:



I was feeling rather blue this evening. It’s hard to say where it came from. We were out ringing bells for the Salvation Army, and per my previous post you all know volunteering makes me feel good.

I think part of my problem is I keep comparing James’ and my life to everybody else’s. How come everyone else was able to afford to get married and move into a brand new house and have all sorts of pets right after college? How come we are trying to tackle our debt and not use credit cards and work our jobs and haven’t done any of those things like everyone else did?…. Hey, English major friends, did you like that sentence? 🙂

Well, anyways: blue as I was, I’m willing to paint myself a new color. I believe I would need to create a color pallet to ensure a proper match to my lifestyle:

Yellow, for optimism

Green for motivation

Orange for courage

Lilac/Lavender for wisdom

White for serenity


Then I tye dye it all together….

To create my individuality 🙂





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