The Current Plights of a Restless Writer

I hate moving.

I posted this on Facebook quite a bit the last two weeks. Of course, we did have a choice in the matter…somewhat. We didn’t have to move. We had a perfectly decent place to live that kept a roof over our head.

With money the way it is, when we found the opportunity to live somewhere that was $200 less each month, there really was no choice in the matter anymore. Besides, I was sick of waking up to the stink of pot in the hallway. It always made me stick to my stomach. Or hungry…I’m not quite sure.

There really isn’t much point to this blog. I pondered many different subjects to write about just to get myself writing. With my anxiety the way that it is, writing seemed like a decent way to distract myself and forget my woes. This little writer may need to drag her butt to a doctor and get some pills. Yes, drastic measures, but this anxiety is starting to interfere with my daily activities. No amount of yoga can completely control it.

I need some help. I’m willing to admit it.

Imagine never being able to relax: As soon as you get home from work, you instantly begin to worry. You want to sit down and enjoy yourself, but something nags at you. Something tells you that you need to be doing something else. And when you cannot think of it, you get that panicky feeling that something horrible will happen. You need to do something right now, you cannot remember what it is, and something horrible will happen because you forgot.

Man. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so messed up.



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Boston Marathon: How to find missing people

PLEASE pass this along!! If you are looking for a loved on in the Boston area, use this link. The phones are a mess so this may be your best bet:

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Update on Me::Busy as Cuss!

Amidst my moving, new car, and a slew of other miscellaneous tasks that decided to grace their presence upon me at the same time, I’m not sure how soon I’ll be able to update this blog.

Please stand by!

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My Brief Moment Of Panic Today

Tonight was a calm night for us. I was laying on the couch watching TV while my fiance went down the hall to switch out the laundry. I was crocheting and just drifting off into my own world. I was quickly interrupted….AAaaaAAAaaAAaaAAaaAAaaAAaaAAaaAA!!
The damn fire alarm was going off again. Great, some butt hole pulled the fire alarm or something. I walked to the door to grab my shoes and what’s when I smelledi t.


I popped the door open and saw smoke in the hallway.The doors had slammed shut so I couldn’t see down the hallway. My heart started to race at that moment. I smelled the smoke, and I didn’t know where my fiance was. i didn’t know where the smoke was coming from. Oh, my God!

I did what we had done with other ‘false alarms’: I grabbed my sweatshirt, grabbed my shoes, and grabbed our emergency duffle bag.

I still didn’t know where he was, and smoke was billowing into the hallway from the apartment across from us.

Oh, my God!

In less than 30 seconds, after laying peacefully on the couch not expecting my life to change one bit, I had adrenaline pumping into all of my veins. Never mind all the stuff we had in our apartment, although I was scared of it all burning up. The only thing I focused on was on my fiance.

I started grabbing his coat and shoes, hoping I would run into him outside.

And that’s when he ran through the door.

I wanted to stop and hug him, but I focused on getting us out of there.

“The neighbors burnt their food again,” he told me.

This is a normal thing, but the panic didn’t go away. He seized the four important items in the apartment (3 old childhood stuffed animals and my baby blanket), I threw the emergency duffle bag over my shoulder and we took off.

We choked on the smoke of burnt Asian food the whole way down. As soon as we got through the door, all I wanted to do was cry and hug him. There were small children out on the sidewalk, so I didn’t want to cry in front of them and make them worry.

I am feeling so much right now. I am pissed at our damn neighbors for being so neglegant. I’m upset that the firemen checked out their apartment and stated there was ‘no immediate risk’, and I’m still feeling the panic as i am still working the adrenaline out of my system.

We’re back to ‘calm’ in the apartment. We only have one dim light on, and the news is drowning on in the background. I am very thankful that our situation was nothing more than a false alarm, but I cannot imagine the emotions for anyone who runs out of the apartment and it’s not a false alarm…

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The Struggles of the Educated::How Do We Get Ahead?

485939_504914949568698_1234484701_nLately, I’ve been pondering my decision to seek a higher education and obtain my bachelor’s degree. I’ve heard so many people say that it has replaced the high school diploma for job applications and it puts you in high demand. However, right after college I began seeking careers that would best utilize my degree. Bare in mind, while in college I participated in many different groups in organizations to obtain the experience in the editing field. I was told that this would count as experience on my resume and it would make me even more desirable among employers.

I can’t even count how many rejection letters I got back that explained to me how I needed more experience before they would consider me. I remember one rejection letter came back to me 15 minutes after submitting my application. That was a huge blow to the ego. And now, it’s been so many years since I had that writing experience that I may have to start at square one to find a career like that. And I don’t even know if I want a ‘career’… I think I just want a life and a paycheck.

Ok, well maybe I screwed myself over by not getting an internship, or by moving around, or by settling for the first job that came at me. In my defense, my student loan bills came at me at full force. Not to mention car payments, daily expenses, insurance, and eventually rent. Because of this, and because of rejection after rejection from employers, I was forced to move back home with my parents and work at McDonalds. I’m not going to sit around and let my bills go unpaid. That’s irresponsible…

And I was in constant search of independence. Why would a successful person be living with their parents?

I continued down this path, trying to find the right job. I was also on the hunt for the perfect car and in hot pursuit of the most luxurious home. I also began to be a ‘thing hoarder’… This is a horrible trait in which I had to buy anything and everything, and hang on to it. I went into stores and came out with all sorts of decorative items that I thought would look good in my new place once I moved out! Stuff is what showed people how successful you are, right?

Anyways, here I am three years after graduation. I’ve got a decent paying job, a college degree that I’m only using in my spare time, and roughly $20,000 worth of debt. I’m VERY thankful for the job that I have and wouldn’t give it up. I’m simply starting to question the decisions I made in my past leading up to my life at this point.

Did I really only go to college because I was told that was the way to be successful?

Honestly, I don’t believe a Bachelor degree or a college education is the true and only definition of success. I have a handful of friends and acquaintances that either forwent college or dropped out. According to what I was told in high school (back in 2006) they should have been the ones struggling to make ends meet. However, if you think about it, they don’t start out their adult working lives with an insurmountable amount of debt. That makes kick-starting adulthood a whole lot easier. Most of them have been established in their jobs long enough to be promoted, have started families, and bought homes. Kudos to them! And yet, here I am still trying to make sense of my life.

That silly little housing crisis in 2008 probably didn’t help matters either, but that was completely out of my control.

Right now, we’re living in an area where the cost of living is ridiculously high, but it’s about the only place where we can get higher-paying jobs. We are still hunting for cheaper living, but it’s not easy. And moving into any Section 8 apartments is a death wish here.

There are almost no luxuries in our home, and yet it feels like we’re still struggling to conquer debt.

  • We have Internet, but we do not have cable (FYI, Comcast is charging us $70/month for JUST THE INTERNET and I am still fighting with them to lower the cost)
  • We do not go out to eat more than twice a month
  • We do not go out to clubs/bars/etc
  • We do not get professional haircuts more than a few times a year
  • I do not get my nails professionally done
  • We rarely shop for anything other than groceries
  • We do not have expensive hobbies like skiing
  • We do not have a gym membership
  • We do no-contract phones to avoid ridiculus monthly costs
  • We coupon our brains out for groceries
  • We have shut off circuit breakers in our apartment to cut electricity costs
  • We have been a 1-car household for 5 1/2 months to try and make ends meet
  • We are selling stuff on Craigslist to earn extra money
  • We are picking up second jobs to keep up on the bills
  • We stopped using credit cards
  • We moved our bed into the living room and turned off/unplugged all electricity to the bedroom
  • We rarely turn the heat on in the winter, and if we do it’s for no more than a few hours

And all we want out of life?

  • To be debt free
  • Get married
  • Build our home
  • Start a homestead
  • Raise a family

I don’t anticipate much of a reaction to this post. I mostly expect people to come back at me with statements about my wrong decisions:

  • You should have gone to graduate school!! And go further into debt and spend the rest of my life playing catch-up?
  • You picked the wrong career path!! Maybe you’re right.
  • You should have taken your job hunt more serious!! All the phone calls and all the emails in the world couldn’t have made a difference. If an employer doesn’t want you, they don’t want you.
  • There are people without degrees suffering more than you!! I will not disagree with you.
  • Everybody goes through this!! Then why do we feel like such a minority?

Whatever. I think it’s pretty sad that there is a society where people work hard to make all the right decisions and still be kicked in the face.


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Preview of the Novel I’m Working On::Burnt Orange

ATTENTION: the following plot information is an original idea of Lyssa Leino Hanson. Any resembling real life events is a mere coincidence.

I’ve been working this novel for probably 6 months, maybe longer. It started as a short story and served as a channel for some angst I was feeling at the time. Eventually, it blossomed into a couple of chapters.

It’s been a slow process. I write when I can. I end up doing many edits when I finally sit down to work on it. It’s slowly becoming my baby. It’s something that I want to be proud of.

Feel free to leave feedbacks, but make sure it’s constructive. I don’t have time for a sourpuss that insists on trying to make me feel bad by hiding behind the Internet. Enjoy!


Title: Burnt Orange

Tag Line: What happens when you’re dreams fall apart.

Summary: Allison has finally entered adulthood. She graduated college in four years, nailed a posh internship at a local publishing house, and finally moved out of her parent’s house and in with her long-term boyfriend named Kevin. She finally has the perfect car, a spectacular wardrobe, great friends, and a bright future in the publishing industry.

With a haunting past filled with emotional abuse, Allison sets forth to hopefully overcome her family issues. Her intent is to focus solely on her career and her relationship with Kevin. With the perfect boyfriend, a new car, a great entry-level career, new clothes, and an apartment located in a thriving downtown of a major city, she would finally live the dream life she always wanted.

But is it all what she really wanted?

From the introduction:

There were grounds in the coffee that morning, but I didn’t mind. It was nice to have something warm and comforting, even if it was only a poorly brewed drink. I allowed the steam to rise up from my cardboard cup and over my face, weathered with anxiety and frustration. It felt therapeutic, and I was in need of severe pampering. My eyebrows were starting to grow together. My hair hadn’t been brushed properly in so long that I could only keep it in a ponytail. My nails were bitten down to the limit.

    I was a mess.

Allison meets with her best friend, Claire, after moving in with Kevin. She just finished telling Claire about the internship:

“That’s so coooool,” Claire chirped, cutting her sandwich into four smaller pieces. “You’re on your way to using your liberal arts degree.”

“Yeah. It’s nice to explain my job to the people who thought I’d end up at Starbucks or McDonalds.” I thought back to my awful fast foodjob I had to get after college. “Oh man, everyone thought I would end up owning that McDonalds. Like that was suppose to encourage me!”

“People actually told you that?”

“Oh yeah.” I took a small bite of fry. “When I told people what I was doing, they’re first answer was always something like ‘oh, well I’m sure you’ll be able to own that place’ or ‘you could probably end up working in their main headquarters.’”
    “Does that ever happen?”

“The training video said so. And the owner started out there as a crew member. I don’t think I’d want his life. He was there every day, basically yelling at us when we weren’t following procedures. God I hated that place. But what was I suppose to do? I needed gas money, and it took me for-fricking-ever to find this damn internship!”

“Didn’t you try and get one the summer after your sophomore or junior year?”

    “Naw. I wanted to, but ever since I met Kevin working at the resort, all I wanted to do was go back.” I let out a dreamy sigh, probably by accident. “I couldn’t imagine spending a summer without him… I hope this didn’t screw up my life too much.”
    “Well, it’s paying off so far. Look at you guys, you’re already living together.”
“Yeah.” That gave me a little boost, although I don’t know why I needed it. Was I really not that confident?

Allison describes her boss’s office on her first day of work:

I loved his office. There were plants everywhere; plants I probably could never keep alive even if I tried. The gorgeous window had the perfect view of downtown. And I couldn’t get enough of the burnt-orange carpeting and the brown walls. It was so retro and so awesome!
    Collections of all the authors published through the company graced the surrounding shelves, enveloping us in a brightly colored swirl of professional whimsy. And my favorite accessory of all: the machine that made individual cups of coffee that I, and I assume Jennifer, would have unlimited access to during business hours.
    “Have a seat ladies,” he gestured his hand out widely to the two plush chairs in front of his desk. “I am so excited to get this started.”
    He gently placed his briefcase on the other side of the desk and took a seat.
    “Like I told both of you,” he began, making himself comfortable. “This is a brand new internship to this company. This past summer was a huge for our company. So much so, that my workload has almost tripled. That’s why I decided to hire on you two. Not only will you be helping me with some of my workload, but you will also get hands on training that you will need in the working world.
    “I really hope to keep your girls under my wing for the next few months. You both are very promising young ladies and I believe you both have the potential to succeed in this field.”


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Stupid Anesthesia::Why am I so Afraid?

Tomorrow is the big day for me. After many years of pain, all four of my wisdom teeth will be surgically removed!

Of course, being a girl who worries about everything, this whole ordeal won’t be easy.

Also, I am like a Rubik’s Cube when it comes to figuring out why anything bothers me. With that said, here is a small list of why I find this whole ordeal frightening.

…Ok, maybe not the whole ordeal. My biggest fear lies with going under…AAAHH!!!

Childhood Trauma

When I was in first grade, I broke my arm falling off a swing. I know, I’m awesome right? I had completely split the bone at my wrist. I remember sitting around the Emergency Room, not really paying attention to my arm. Everyone seemed to be in good spirits, or they might have been distracting me for all I know.

Anyways, they finally wheeled me away from my family. Next thing I know, they stick a mask on my face and tell me to breathe. I tried to ask what it was, but I only remember them telling me to breathe. I started to panic, and they just held the mask on my face tighter until I fell asleep.

I still get the heebie jeebies when I remember that.

Vomit Phobia

You are required to fast before going under this crap, mainly because it can make you sick. It makes me want to fast all day today!!!

The Confusion

I am so scared to wake up and not understand where I am and what just happened. James told me over and over that he was completely aware of where he was, but he was ‘up in the clouds’. This creeps me out.

Will I Stop Breathing?

I keep imagining how it will all play out. I will go into the room, they’ll have me lay down, they hook me up to the monitors, they put the tube around my nose, I simply relax and keep breathing, eventually I start to drift away…

This is where I panic and stop the visualization. I have NO idea why, but I imagine it’s because I’m afraid of my breath stopping.


I think that’s about it for my fears about this whole stupid thing. I can’t wait until it’s all over with!!

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